I think I learned a lot about myself in 2006 and made it through some life-changing events. Probably the biggest change for me was the change in the dynamics of our home when the oldest child decided to venture out on his own. We have had a couple of other years in our lives when change was pretty big, but I don't think the emotional impact was as huge for me as last year's changes.
I have heard women talk about the Empty Nest Syndrome for years, but I did not understand it until 2006. Now my nest was far from empty with four still at home. Still, when you lose even one of your children, the dynamics do indeed change. I shed a lot of tears in late 2005 and early 2006. I made statements like "Are you sure you want to do this?" "Are you sure you can make it on your own?" It is hard to let go. (Apparently, it is harder for some of us than others! :) )
Somehow, Daniel managed to pry my knuckles off his arms and shake free of us for a time. He did well. He learned how to get himself up and make it to a job on time every day. He overcame adversity, dealt with adult problems, managed his own money and even had a little fun along the way. Of course, I was overjoyed when he decided to move back closer to home, but I just had it affirmed that it really does not matter if your babies are a mile or a million miles away from you--they are still gone, and things are different.
After while, we settled into a new routine--one without Daniel. It was hard at first, but peace and joy came back, and now it is tolerable. We still enjoy it when he comes home, and we have some good times. But we still lock horns from time to time, because, after all, he is a man now with his own ideas of how things should be. I find my lips mouthing the same words that my wise old grandmother spoke to me, many moons ago. "Tis many a slip twixt the cup and the lip." "Experience keeps a dear school, and a fool will learn by no other." Yes, the young have to learn their own life's lessons, including the pains that come from making poor judgments.
I was also given cause for reflection yesterday when we heard, very sadly, that another Tennessee Highway Patrolman was shot and killed during a traffic stop. He was only 25 and had just been married two months. Those stories particularly touch my heart because my father rode those same roads as a Highway Patrolman in the 60's and 70's. Come to find out, some Hispanic teenagers from Texas, reportedly with drug ties, apparently did the deed. He had stopped them, and he asked them if there were drugs in the car. They admitted that there were drugs, and then one pulled a gun and shot him twice in the head. They then pulled his body in front of the car and ran over it as they fled.
I was with Dad late yesterday afternoon, and he reflected on a time when he got himself surrounded out on the highway by six men, and they were about to do him harm. Out of nowhere, a huge, black man appeared. "You need some help, Boss?" he asked my dad. Dad said that not one man dared to take another step towards him with this giant of a man there. My brother said, "Guardian Angel?" We all laughed. Human or not, that day, he saved my father, in all likelihood. I am fully aware that I could have easily been going to my dad's funeral so many times through the years. There were a lot of close calls. We truly don't know what law enforcement officers deal with every day. I ache for the family that has lost a son and husband. We thought it was ironic that the young officer came from the tiny community of Culleoka, the same place where my dad lived and went to school as a boy. He then graduated from the same college my son now attends.
Now it's 2007. Life is still ebbing and flowing. I pray that this will be a good year for us all. I face the year wondering what changes and lessons it will bring. I'd be lying if I said I looked forward to that part. Change is hard, and sometimes the lessons are hard, too. I'm trying to just get my faith to the point that I can handle whatever comes along with calmness and grace. I have a long way to go to get to where I want to be.
Pray for the Trooper's family. Services will be Wednesday at 2:00 at Graymere Church of Christ in Columbia, TN.
My dad, Tennessee Highway Patrolman, 1968
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