The Meaning of Life?

I turn 43 tomorrow. I know it is not common for a woman to tell her age, but I am not so sensitive about it that I mind anyone knowing. The day after tomorrow, my class is having its 25th reunion. I decided not to go, because honestly, I did not like them much 25 years ago, and I doubt things have changed that much. Plus, I have not forgiven them for the punch-spiking incident at my 5th reunion that left me near comatose. That's another story.

It is at these milestone events that we tend to take stock of our lives and what they mean. Each day, I cannot help but recognize that I am one blessed gal overall. Yet, the very human side of me mourns all the sad things that go on in this world and sometimes leads me to question what it all means, especially on the "special" days.

I don't mean to doubt God, His Wisdom, His Providence, or His Plans for me. He has been awfully good to me. I have not had a perfect "golden" life like some people I know, but that's o.k. My life has been good enough. I've never known material wealth--at least according to this country's standards, but I know I have been blessed beyond measure compared to so many who have lived in this world. I was a happy child in general, and my parents did a good job of protecting me and providing what I needed spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Then I grew up and made some choices that were not the wisest (i.e. first husband) which affected the course of the rest of my life.

Still, if I had not married my first husband, I would not have my 3 precious boys, so I cannot be too unhappy with how things went. They are such a blessing to me and to others, and I cannot imagine life without them. Besides, I have not done so badly since the divorce. I first found out that I could make it without a man if I had to, and just when I was comfortable alone again, God sent me....a man!!!! And just when I thought that I was finished with childbirth and would never have a daughter, this new man gave me two extraordinary girls.

I just got through sending my husband off to work this morning, and as he left, he happily carried two little drawings the oldest girl left at the foot of the door for him. He told me that lately, she has been making drawings and leaving them by the door so he will find them in the morning. She is uniquely gifted at age 5 with a sense of color and balance and composition on the paper that leaves her dad and me in awe of her talent and the sweetness of her being. The spirit in this little girl is without a doubt the sweetest one I have ever known in any human. Her works of "art" leave us breathless and feeling so blessed.

Then there is the other daughter--not quite two---and the total antithesis of her sister. (She has a sweet spirit, too, but unfortunately, she got her mother's Irish temper!) Her little voice is sultry-sweet. Her vocabulary is wonderful. Her pronunciation needs some work, but it is getting there. Behind those huge brown eyes, you can practically see the cogs moving as she reasons things out. She is extraordinarily tactile. She MUST touch everything. Texture is her life. Her little hands are constantly moving from one item to the next, seeing how it works...what it feels like between the fingers....then discarded for the next item. She can turn a house to shambles in nothing flat if not assigned a protector from her pool of siblings. Nothing holds her attention for more than a few seconds, and this is exhausting for the rest of us who marvel at her energy.

I look at them all---all 5 precious kids...and the precious husband God provided, and I say....this is what life is all about....loving the ones God has entrusted to you....

I don't have too much energy left at 43. It has been a hard decade for me, these 40-something years. I came as close to death as I want to come in 2003 with Hannah's birth, and I am still climbing back up from that pit. I have told Tim that if it feels like this to be 43, then how will I ever tolerate how it feels at 63 or 83 if the good Lord lets me stay here?

Mom is nearly 66. I was just looking at her the last time I visited her. She looked so pretty. When we drove up, she was out watering her beautiful plants. She was brown as a biscuit from living in the new pool she and Dad put in, and she looked so happy and at peace. It was good to see her like this, because she and Dad worked their tushes off for 45 years to get to where they are now---retired, happy, blessed with grandkids, and working in the Lord's kingdom without a lot of outside distraction.

And then the bubble bursts. The illusion of paradise is shattered by the reality that something is wrong. There is swelling in the lymph nodes. It is worsening by the day. Mom is sick.

The memories of my 40th birthday come flooding back. Mom was sick and in the hospital. Nobody knew what was wrong. She was an enigma to the doctors. It was not West Nile, not Castleman's, not lymphoma, not hystoplasmosis...but they did not know WHAT it was. Eventually, she got better, but she had to retire. It was a long, slow battle to regain her strength. And just when we all thought that she was the best she has nearly ever been...now this.

The pathologist she worked for for years and years will get a biopsy and take another look. This may be a whole new deal. He does not think this is just an infection.

It is amazing how you can hear of one thing after another--other people's trials--but until you have your own crosses to bear, it does not really get real to you. I have worked through the years on trying to really care about my brethren, especially, and not have my eyes glaze over as they tell me about the trial that is torturing their soul. You know, you listen to the little old lady who is grieving the loss of her husband, but you are young and strong, and it really does not sink in about the depth of her despair. Or you ask that new divorce' how she's doing now that she is on her own with the kids and that louse of an ex-husband doesn't even bother to support the kids, and you don't even really hear her answer because you cannot focus on someone else's pain for five minutes without getting a headache. Or you feel bad for the family across town that lost their soldier boy in Iraq, but it doesn't really register until you get the call that your son or brother or very best friend is the latest casualty.

Then, all of the sudden, it is you who is divorced, and now you know what that girl was agonizing over. Out of the blue, it is your grandmother that has died. Now you "get it." You sit in church week after week, listening to the announcements, and you surely are sorry about so-in-so's mother that passed away, but it does not mean much until you have lost someone close to you.

I have not figured out the meaning of life yet, but I have drawn some conclusions based on the revelation of the mind of God through His Word. It really is not all that hard, as they are spelled out in the Bible. You just have to notice them and then unequivocally believe them. Here are some of my favorites:

1. "Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man." (Ecclesiastes 12:13)

2. "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." (Matthew 22:36-38)

3. "By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."(John 13:35)

4. "Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble." (I Peter 3:8)

5. "If anyone among you thinks he is religious, and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this one's religion is useless. Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world." (James 1:26-27)

6. "Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody. (I Thessalonians 4:11-12)

7. "Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ." AND "For every man shall bear his own burden." (Galatians 6:2 and 6:5)

8. "Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap." (Galatians 6:7)

9. "Indeed, You have made my days as handbreadths, And my age is as nothing before You; Certainly every man at his best state is but vapor. (Psalm 39:5) AND "Whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away." (James 4:14)

10. "Now godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out. And having food and clothing, with these we shall be content." (I Timothy 6:6-8)

11. "Let not your heart be troubled; you believe in God, believe also in Me. In My Father's house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also. And where I go you know, and the way you know." Thomas said to Him, "Lord, we do not know where You are going, and how can we know the way?" Jesus said to him, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me." (John 14:1-6)

12. "Naked I came from my mother's womb, And naked shall I return there. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; Blessed be the name of the LORD." Job 1:21


About the only sense that I can make out of life is that God created us, and He put us here to serve Him and to serve each other until our short little vapor of a life goes "poof!" We can either accept that, be grateful for our blessings and live peacefully and obediently, or we can fight it, be ungrateful, and be prepared to face an angry and disappointed Father in Judgement.

I haven't found all the answers in 43 years. I doubt I will find them all if I should live another 43 years. But I am learning, accepting, growing. As the old cliche' goes, I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know Who holds tomorrow in His hands. And I guess that is really all I need to know.